❝ Commitments (and my lack of them) ❞ ♡ Thursday, March 28, 2013
Talked to feei, chloe and px during the break for macro. Realised that everyone's kinda busying themselves w acads AND non-acads-related activities.. Like how Chloe's in arts camp org comm and starring faci; px's also a starring faci; feei's got her ocsp, and then I realized I'm the only one without all these commitments. They've got plans for summer already and I'm just like, meh, what should I do, haha.
Wonder how they survive being so busy and having to cope w so much school work at the same time. I'm like commitment-free rn but dating acads and I'm already struggling.. Since when had jiali become such a weakling.. ):
Used to be able to juggle school work and ccas and leadership positions so well.. Had 2 ccas in rv and 2 leadership positions concurrently, and held 1 exco position in my nj(ip) days. As I grew older in jc, I challenged myself with higher and higher leadership positions on th upper levels of the hierarchy, only to find myself being so caught up w my cca(s) that I've neglected studies, by a significant lot. Seen the faces of disappointment on the people I'm closest to, and I really don't want that to happen again.
So I gradually withdrew from having all types of commitments- I took less initiative when it came to ccas/leadership positions; I gave up on relationships even more easily than I used to. I rmb how I was talking to M and he was shocked that I wasn't involved in smu's open house 'cause I used to be highly involved in school activities when I was in nj. Used to make many friends through ccas, yet I'm just but a socially awkward little girl in uni now. Well.. things have changed, but I feel like I like it very much this way.
I feel like I have more time for myself, something I haven't experienced beyond my jc days. And without all these commitments, I feel much happier and content with my life. I drowned myself in school work after falling out of love, but it dawned upon me that I could possibly like it better this way. Being alone. And occasionally gather with some old friends and reminisce the times we were all so happy together. It kinduv beats going out with the same one person all the time because dates are so much more frequent than gatherings w old friends. I guess that was the reason why it seemed as though I preferred going out w my friends to the boyf, haha. It's because you don't get to meet old friends often, that I feel thr's so much more to talk about and that I miss them so much more. Really agree with how absence makes the heart grow fonder.
There are people out there who still crave for love so deeply, because there is that undivided attention that one person gives you, which you do not know how to replace when that person isn't with you anymore. But I guess I'm over that phase. For me, I've chosen to forgive, and at the same time, I do my best to forget. I've become less and less romantic in relationships, probably because I doubt the possibility of it lasting forever. I wished I could still believe in eternal love, but my experiences seem to prove its impossibility, haha. My definition of a "perfect guy" is completely blurred now, and I really don't know what constitutes a perfect person. I tried to believe that the person will change because love is powerful enough; I then tried to believe that we can accept one another's flaws without anyone having to change, but it still failed. Perhaps, I've grown to realise that I'm not the type who like commitments, after all. And perhaps, that's the reason why I can't seem to love as well as I used to.
I've learnt to enjoy many little things in life though. Through small acts of kindness, simple gestures, and definitely also trying to be more appreciative towards the people who love me. Want them to know that I love them too, and that I'm thankful that they've always been a part of me.
To the future boyfriend (by future, I mean distant future): Though I still haven't given up on love completely, you've got a lot of broken pieces of my heart to pick up and mend, haha.
