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jiali ♥
twenty two. sixteenth februaries.

❝ Some nights ❞ ♡ Saturday, August 16, 2014

This is one of the rare nights that I sit myself down and think about what I really want in future. As much as I try not to compare, I always imagine life if I had done things other ways, if I've made choices otherwise.

No matter what we breed / we still are made of greed

What do I want, exactly? Happiness? Love? Attention? Freedom? Money? Power? Some can be struck off the list without a single bit of hesitation, yet others require much more thought and prioritising. How many in my list have I achieved? Often, our happiness depends on people around us, and why is it that we allow what we want to achieve be hinged on other people?

Do I want to settle with what I have now, leaving everything to the dear hands of fate; or do I keep looking further although it is obviously not worth going through anymore heart breaks? Then again, will settling bring about heart breaks too? Perhaps I'm still coping because it's only been a short while, but I cannot envision how things will be like, many years down the road. If we are only just beginning to discover that we have different goals and differing opinions, will we be doomed by inevitable arguments and conflicts in future?

I always say that I want to be happy. I always say that I am happy. And in order to be happy, an optimistic outlook is imperative. However, does that attitude condone the creation of excuses, just to achieve the end goal? Everyone can say they're happy, but are they, really? Or is everything just a facade and me going through the motion?

What do I want, exactly?

An economist talks about trade offs, cost-benefit analysis and finding the optimum solution all the time. Does freedom necessarily trade off love? Will there ever be an equilibrium or optimum in this respect? ☹ So many unanswered questions hover over my mind tonight. You'd be gloating if you knew how you managed to get me thinking about these things. After all, you wanted me to, all along.